let's give it another go...

...so it's been a while. more than a while, actually, since i spent much time here. .the more time went by, the less motivated i was to come here. but i found that i kept thinking about blogging every once in a while, and after thinking about starting over with a completely new blog, or giving up blogging altogether, i decided to weed out the posts i wasn't especially attached to, keep those i liked (for a variety of reasons), and give it another try.

but that's not the whole story - of course not. perhaps the biggest reason behind my lack of blogging, and my general lack of creativity, was an debilitating, anxiety-filled pregnancy. a pregnancy i longed, wished, hoped & prayed for, but that instead of being blissful was anything but. a pregnancy that i worried about from the first days with a baby who was measuring "a little small but will probably be okay" to the very day of delivery. and every day in between. every. single. day.

there's so much i could write about secondary infertility, adoption research, injections, IUI's, OHSS, IVF, nightly injections with 3-inch needles for months on end, crippling fears about miscarriage, severe birth defects, stillbirth, the unfairness, sadness & hurt that accompanies the challenges so many face in trying to add to their family. but after spending 2 years living with those things, i'm beyond grateful, thankful to be living with this...





as hard as pregnancy was to come to, and get through, parenthood the second time around with my daughter can only be described as blissful. not in the everything-is-perfect-all-the-time blissful, but in the she's-here-and-i'm-unbelieveably-grateful-beyond-what-i-could-ever-have-imagined blissful. i keep expecting to wake up one day and the feeling, the disbelief that she's here, finally, to be gone, but it's still here, as strong as it was 5 months ago when i first heard her cry. i love my son, of course, almost more than i think is possible, but i love my daughter in a way i think can come only after a desperate longing. as much heartache as i felt during the struggle to get her here, i feel joy 100 times more powerful. i will never understand why some of us struggle with our fertility. while there are surely lessons to learn from what this part of life's journey brings, there's also heartache, so much heartache. i'm forever changed by the heartache i felt through my struggle - forever changed as a parent, and a person by it.

so i'm finally feeling up to blogging, at least a bit, again. i have a few things i'm hoping to blog about in the coming days & weeks - my 101 in 1001 project (which i'm 1/2 way through), new year's plans, holiday crafting, and a childhood outdoor blog project which i'm giving a try as well.

it's good to be back.